la lune ne garde aucune rancune

2 poems about America

2011-03-21T18:29:00.000-07:00

----
It was a diaspora, of sorts
and I lost my voice somewhere between
the southern most coast of the Mediterranean
and the number 4 bus

Making eye contact with pale strangers
with porcelain cheek bones
who, like the possum, in it's blind fear
held their breaths tightly

And with the super moon, rising over Perkins
even the Man was quick to turn his gaze
away from the distant Earth.

Somewhere between the internet and i-pods
we found ourselves alone.

-----

with a sky that's blue and a sun that's warm or
a sky that's white and a sun that's hot
the concrete heats up, our thoughts stay relatively cold

Summer thunder cracking in the stratosphere
she was cracking under the pressure
she was hiding her seams
And I am tucking my heart into my money clip.

And like a circuit, putting their palms together
the currents misfired-- caught up in skinny jeans and
hennaed hands and
she was busy getting plowed by guys she'd never kissed

And so
much to the disappointment of the poet
and the princess
He didn't drink the poison and she, she didn't
lay open her abdomen,
lest it be metaphorically.

----

I can't sleep...

2011-03-13T23:07:00.000-07:00

I'll start off by finishing up my bit about fasting. Day 4
was Saturday. I was able to sleep in a little bit, woke up with a headache, no shakes. The day was pretty uneventful as far as fasting went. I spent the day studying at the library and only experienced headaches.
Over all, I think it was a good experience and I would like to make it semi-regular, working up to longer fasts of a week, ten days, maybe more. Am I a new woman? Maybe not. But it was worthwhile nonetheless.

Bikes!
Today(Well, Sunday...) I spent about three hours getting my bike tuned up for spring!! It was sooo fun. Flexing my mechanics muscle. It involved a lot of scrubbing, rubbing off excess, caked-on oil and grime, using a toothbrush to get into the tough places. And then I unscrewed just about every nut/bolt/screw/thing to possibly unscrew and made sure to clean those things out. I loosened the cables up and cleaned/oil inside their little tubes. Then I perfected the tightness of the cable responsible for switching the front gears. Then I was working on the back gears... trying to loosen a bolt that hadn't been touched in probably 40 years... and I snapped it. So, hopefully Monday sometime I'll go to the hardware store and get a new bolt, and put the finishing touches on my bike, which is includes finishing adjusting the back gears, putting in the brake pads and make sure they are perfect, pumping the tires and voila! Well, maybe I won't do all that tomorrow, we'll see. I have lots of other fun things I want to get done and un-fun things I have to get done.

What else. I can't sleep. I laid in bed, talking to myself-- like usual. But normally I just wake up in the morning, not knowing what became of the, surely, riveting conversation. Actually, I usually have faux conversations with other people. So, I am talking to myself... but somewhat indirectly. Anyway, it failed because here I am.

I've been spending a lot of time thinking about art, lately.
I don't know if this is related, but I have an inkling that it might be. When I got evacuated from Egypt I had immense feelings of loss, abandonment, disenfranchisement... the list goes on. And I haven't told anybody this, but for the first time ever I got this feeling that maybe I should see somebody about emotional counseling or whatever. Well, I dunno what ever became of that... but I'm not committing suicide right now, so yeah.
And I guess I have outlets, I guess I have vices. But I need more.

I dunno what I'm getting at. But when I do I'll get back to you.

Ok, Hello.

2011-03-11T05:44:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm not actually gonna write about being back from Egypt because I already wrote wayyyyyyy too much about Egypt at my study abroad blog:

But I do have something on my mind and no one to talk to about it. Or atleast no who I think will appreciate/understand to my liking:
Fasting

I am currently on my first ever fast. Hopefully not the last. So you're probably thinking, why?
Well, fasting allows your body to cleanse itself of toxins as it doesn't have to worry about digestion. Also, it is using the stored fat in your body, which also contains many stored toxins which get eliminated as the fat gets used to keep the body functioning.
I also think it will be a good way to get more in touch with myself, body and otherwise. It is a good opportunity to turn inwards, be introspective. I feel like if my body was a computer... I'm hoping fasting will be like running defrag, everything might get a little jumbled but I'm hoping to reorganize. Especially emotionally. I tend to be a fairly internally conflicted individual and I'm looking to gain more self-understanding, better self-dialogue. Ok, that sounds like a lot-- and just from not eating! You are probably also wondering what exactly are you eating/not eating?
Well, I'm not eating anything. I am drinking water and tea. Now, I've done some research before starting and some people do fast with tea(like I'm doing) in part because the high anti-oxidant content of tea can help with toxin cleansing. Also, I tend to be someone who runs a lot, bases a lot of decisions, on good and bad feelings. And I had a feeling saying tea would be fine. I also had a feeling that I should fast in the first place. I've even based many more important decisions on feelings. I'm also not an expert but I could imagine tea would be good because of the heat and fasting can be impeded by being cold. It may also assist with the bad-mouth-taste which is a side effect of detoxifying. Katrina, how long are you gonna be fasting? Is this saaaaaafe?
Well, my original plan was to fast for 7 days. However, most web resources say that for your first fast you should only go for 3 days. I have not entirely abandoned my 7 day plan but what I have decided is to go on, guess what, feelings! So, if I get a feeling(not hunger) that I should stop fasting, that I've achieved a good thing, that I should be proud of my accomplishment, that I've taken an important step towards a life of occasional fasting... then I'll stop fasting.
Day 1 Wednesday
Experienced little to no hunger. Drank many fluids, water and tea. Went to class, actually hung out with a friend after class. No negative side effects. I've noticed increased awareness of my own pulse. My eyelids got veryyyy heavy at about 9 and I went to bed at 9:30 with EXTREME ease of falling asleep. I slept until 9:30 and rose with ease, no sluggishness. Worst morning breath, morning tongue ever on the planet earth.

Day 2 Thursday
Continued on-- with a complete absence of hunger. Felt energetic, went to class, traveled about with ease, was able to keep my body temperature up during the day. Drank wayyy more water than usual, mostly aiming to get the bad taste in my mouth out, which seemed to come in waves. My teeth felt weird... not quite chalky more like powdered. I had a little more difficulty keeping my body temp up as evening fell but I bundled up in blankets and watched a movie. Became suddenly tired and went to bed at 9:30. Falling asleep quickly and easily is amazing! note to self: avoid food in the later evening in hopes of replicating this easy sleep. Had crazy dreams-- cause of the movie I think. I was planning on sleeping in except I woke up at 6:30, like woke up entirely... had no hope of getting back to sleep.

Day 3 Friday-- today!
Laid in bed for a little while: more gross breath, my mouth is making my tea taste awful. Extreme awareness of blood circulation in my body, as well increased awareness of internal functions related to breathing. Sense of inner tingling. Weakness, the shakes. Mentally clear.
Got up, had a pow-wow with myself, denounced the power of society on me, the power of food as a main incentive, denounced the power of things like hair and dress and music and impressing other people as a means of self-soothing self-worth of relating to other humans. These are not things that I feel I have much of an issue with in general and in fact I think they've become even less important to me since living in Egypt and returning to this society in which I see so much coldness and sterility... and now I'm expected to fall into it's constructs?! Ha. I also used this quasi-meditation to remind myself that I am the most powerful force over myself, that better self-understanding and self-dialogue is within I just have to accept it. Yes I am a semi-instinctual being! Listen to the voice within. (You see, I oft fight with the voice within. Actually, it's not a voice so much as it is a feeling of compulsion to something, someone, a decision, a milieu. As I mentioned before it's what told me to fast. It's also what told me to stay in Egypt back in early December. I believe it guides me places, decisions, milieus that I'm supposed to be in. What "supposed to" really means insofar as who is supposing such, who is decreeing, what is this feeling's relation to the word fate... these are things I don't know. I would say that my current belief system is based on a being's instinctual and subconscious ability to more accurately predict the outcome of situations, or the effect situations will have on the conscious being that inhabits the same body as the subconscious being.
I don't know if that has a name. Or if other people use this as a core belief system. But basically, my subconscious knows what's up, knows how things will effect me better than I, as a conscious being, know. It is also, I think, even more freed from social constructs and the influence of all outside sources because it is a complete and whole thing. However, the issue of my internal conflict comes from when I try to stifle or argue with my subconscious self. I often fail at this, but not always.

Anyway, it's just the beginning of day 3 of fasting and it seems like it's gonna be a tough day. I currently also experiencing nausea and/or hunger-- it's difficult to tell. But I don't yet have a strong inner feeling that I should stop my fast. I was considering drink a bit of almond milk in hopes of diminishing the shakes... but then I realized that diminishing the shakes is not nearly a good enough reason to jeopardize all the good reasons I am fasting to begin with. So I guess I will just have to put up with them!
Most of the stories of fasting that I've read online are almost opposite mine... day1 and 2 were awful with hunger and slowness of mind and day 3 they started feeling awesome. But anyway, we'll see how things improve or worsen and

I guess this is gonna be my blog again. I dunno if anyone is gonna read it or not but it's mostly another form of self-dialogue[yes-- I talk to myself a freakin lot and in many different mediums]
I will try to make it interesting, I tend to think of myself as being interesting although as far as interesting activities go my life usually has waves of interesting and waves of mundane. That is all.

lazy update

2010-06-21T08:14:00.000-07:00

Well, you studied Pharmacology, funny how that goes.

2010-06-17T08:17:00.000-07:00

Been hanging out with a few more people. Finished another book. Received some amazing news about a scholarship I applied for! It's a study abroad scholarship that awards up to $5000 for studying abroad in a non-traditional place but you had to get super references and like all these requirements. And I had to write one paper about why I chose the program I did and one proposing a project and if you get the money you have to actually do the project. AND the scholarship was offering another $3000 for studying a critical need language, aka a language that the government needs people to learn... and I was award all $8000!!! That was amazing because that pays for 1/2 of the cost of going to Egypt. I also received 1,500 from the study abroad office, grants for being poor and am waiting to hear from a $3000 scholarship and a $1500 scholarship. Yayyyy. :]

Okay, so, exactly one week ago today... I had an awesome day. I biked to Paoli, Wisconsin. $ of us set off from the arboretum at 9am. Daniel Neuser, Dana, Reed and I. We went through the lovely arb and down Seminole hwy. Reed and I lead the pack(the peleton if you will) with Neuser next and Dana pulling up the rear. We reached the end of seminole hwy in the middle of acres and acres of beautiful flat farmland. We stopped to eat chunks of bagel(to keep our blood glycogen up), pee in the bushes and check the map. Dana expressed concerned about being able to finish the ride seeing as we were only... 8-10 miles into it. We turned right onto Whalen Rd and were greeted by a visible stretch of hill after hill after hill all compiling one very large hill. Dana turned back. The remaining three trekked upward. We saw tractors and the once flat farmland was now rolling and very beautiful. It was an overcast day with a light breeze, warm and perfect. We continued. We saw parts of Verona... or Fitchburg. We saw dairy farms(and smelled them), free range chickens traveling in packs. We met hills winding through woods, up and down with those S signs to warn speedy cars or bicyclists. We saw young people in white pickup trucks.
We arrived at Paoli. The town is very small, about two city blocks big. In the center there is a park with a merry-go-round and other smalls structures and all the houses in town pretty much sit facing the park. There was a small grocery bragging organic goodies for those health conscious bikers. There was a bar, a necessity, and cheese shop serving fried goodies for the not-so-health-conscious bikers. Mainly Paoli is known for clay production. They make a very nice fine white clay. Therefore the town also contained about 5 art galleries, oh, and a church. It was a cute little town, sustained, most likely, by the daily smattering of bikers. We rested in the park and then took the only other road heading back towards Madison. Luckily the route home only had about... 3 hills and they took us longer than they should've because we were getting tired. Finally we were back to the arb and heading back through when we were passed by one of those oh-so-charming crazies on a bike... singing a freestyle song about Obama being a terrorist. We chuckled. Because we were tired and wanting to get off the saddle for a bit we stopped at the zoo and hung out with Becca while she was on lunch break. Annnnddd then I went home and made an omelet with spinach, shredded zucchini and cheese.
All in all we biked 38.9 miles. :] And survived! I was doing good actually until I got home and then my legs got a little shaky but I ate the omelet, rested and then felt good enough to go out to dinner with Hope and hang out with Kyle. So it was awesome!!! And I want to do that route again before I move on to bigger and better routes. :]

That's mostly it for now. I mean, I have more activities I could talk about but I just typed a lot so no thanks.

Oh, well,

World Naked Bike Ride saturday...
And I saw a sign about a summer solstice bonfire on the 20th that I want to go to.

yo yo yo

2010-06-07T17:38:00.000-07:00

- Rekindle friendships: hung out with John, Molly, Kurt, Neuser, Alex Nelson. Yayy!
- Read more. 1 book down
- Have bonfires. 1
- Go swimming in the lake. 1
- Get stuck in the rain. 2
- Fly a kite. 1
- I would like to go to a concert or two. Coming on Friday

Ate a LaBamba burrito? Check. With delicious horchata. I am gonna seriously miss mexican food while I'm in Egypt. There's been some drama in Kyle's life which is stressing me out a bit... but I'm trying to separate myself from it.

Oh yeah! I caught a baby goose lastnight. I mean, there were a shit ton of geese and I was like “Well, Ima harass them.” And then the babies were so cute! And so bad at running. They would stop suddenly and I almost stepped on one. :[[[[[ But I didn't. I just reached down and picked him up... that may have been traumatic for the family but I doubt the little guy will be permanently scarred or anything. His little body felt so cute in my hands. He was the size of a football and so soft. I love him. He is gonna be so strong, I could feel the weight of his breast muscles which he will one day use for flying.

I am trying to get people to bike 25-40 miles with me on Thursday or Friday, whichever day more people are available / it's not gonna rain. With picnics and fun. I think it will be more fun in a big group. So far lots of people are like “I has works!” And I'm like >:/
work is poop. Let's bike to Paoli.

RAWRRRRRRRR

2010-05-25T20:31:00.000-07:00

Hey there!

Hmmm. Well.

On Sunday night Kyle, Becca, Kevin and I had a fun night. We lit fireworks in her front yard and they were muuuch bigger than we were expecting and we made all the neighbors mad. And we found a ton of pro-life propaganda in Becca's basement and her mom told us stories about her days as a pro-choice activist in DC. And we watched youtube videos of tortoises having sex. All in a days work.

Monday... I guess I didn't do much. I work 4-9 and I spent the whole morning trying to get a tan in that heat. Then I worked in the liquor department. it was peaceful. :]
Oh yeah!! After work I went to Kyle's very briefly. They've been having mice problems. I just happened to see a mouse scurrying by and just reached down and grabbed him(I had a sweater in my hand). So, one mouse problem solved and he's currently in a much-too-small cage on Kyle's desk. We are planning to release him somewhere pleasant. It was kind of awesome, though, catching a mouse with my bare hands. Like I'm a ninja or something. I could survive in the wild.

Today was an activity filled day.
The loud thunderstorm woke me up at 8. I played sc2 for a bit and then woke Kyle up because we were supposed to have lunch with Alex Nelson and Kevin Murphy at QQ. It was yummy. Then...
I went and got my hair cut. short short short. A whole new style. Not a look I've been brave enough to try before. I think it looks pretty good. I am excited to have fun styling it. Then I went to Kyle's and bleached out my brown roots, but I still need to tone them, hopefully it will be less yellow. Then we hung out for a while. Sat outside. On the hammock. Under a tree.

Thennnn I came home right after the second thunderstorm of the day. Played more sc2!! And went to the final session of my bike mechanics class. And Now I am feeling tired because of doing stuffs all day.

Work tomorrow 3-9. Excited for people to see my hair. (And face... I decided to bleach my eyebrows along with my hair. It was just kind of an idea I had but then I started googling it and read articles about how it was something punks did in the early 80's and that it's making a come-back in the fashion scene. O_O Who knew? I read a NY times article called Where Have All The Eyebrows Gone?)
Then Thursday Kyle and I both have off. We will hang out!
After I write this I am going to call John and see if he wants to hang out Friday or Saturday afternoon.

I fucked up again, you won't believe me when I tell you so.

2010-05-20T16:16:00.000-07:00

So, I've been just hanging out.
Was it on Monday night... I had some people over for a little bonfire and smores and fun. It was nice.

OMG and the weather has been to die for.

Besides that biking around, hanging out with Kyle, hanging out with Becca, reading a book about modern-day feminism, playing with the pig.

On Tuesday I went to the student clinic to get vaccinations for Egypt. I got Tetanus, Meningitis, Hep A and Polio vaccine injections. And I'm taking on oral Typhoid vaccine. It's weird knowing that you're swallowing a capsule full of live typhoid bacteria. Actually the way vaccinations work in general is both genius and scary. But, yeah, the only side effect for the typhoid vaccine is ultra-sensitivity to the sun. So, it's been really nice... and the little round band-aids they put on after the shots got tanned into my skin. lol. I got a bit sun burned thinking I should take advantage of my extra tanning powers while I have them.

Today I hung out with Becca. It was chill. And I went to the Planned Parenthood. And there was a group of like 5 guys outside protesting. Holding "Abortions kill babies" signs. And of course I was on bike so I was much easier to talk to. Anyway, it was four very old big-white-beard santa-clause-looking guys and one Asian guy. And I was biking past them and I smiled and waved in a friendly way and they waved back... but then they looked quite disappointed when I parked my bike by the Planned Parenthood. I broke their little hearts! And the Asian guy was like "You don't have to go in there! It's evil in there, evil things. Talk to us, we can help you!!" And I'm thinking: I really doubt you can help me prevent unwanted pregnancy as effectively as they can.... But who knows. And then when I was leaving they were all yelling again like "why won't you come talk to us? You don't have to go in there ever again. We can help!" And was like "Maybe next time... happy protesting." and biked away. It was odd. I wonder how often that happens at the eastside PP.

But yeah.

Tomorrow work 12-6
Saturday 1-8
sunday I think 11-6

blahhh

And never let The Beast tear apart what happened there in May

2010-05-12T11:30:00.000-07:00

Well.
It's been soo long I feel the need to reintroduce myself.

My name is Katrina, I am 20 years old. My primary hobbies include music, bicycling, baking, and the internet. I spend a lot of time studying and too much time working. It's impossible for me to have the right balance of busy and free time. I want more free time to refurbish my friendships. I cut my own hair, I make delicious stir frys, I try to grow vegetables. I wear mostly black socks. I love ice cream.

I hate bike pumps, I always always always hurt my fingers using them. I prefer flip flops over all other types of footwear.
I like to go on adventures, even just little ones.
One day I want to bike across the country. :]
I don't really mind getting caught in the rain, or hail, or big gusts of summer wind.
I like reading! But I don't do enough of it.

Okay. Well, that's enough of that. I am hoping and planning to use this more this summer/fall/in the near future. One reason is because I am going to be in Egypt in the fall and am going to be keeping in touch, in part, by blogging and v-logging (www.youtube.com/okcallmegoddess). Another reason is because I do think this thing is good for me. I am always blogging... it's called talking to myself.

I guess since the school year is coming to a close for me I am going to make a list of things I would like to accomplish this summer.
- Use my body (I took a road cycling class this spring semester and it was very physically challenging. Now, I am not an athlete, I have never felt like an athlete, I don't really want to be an athlete. But I did find it very rewarding to challenge my body and succeed. So, distance biking, maybe. Or I dunno what.)
- Go on Adventures. Don't wait around.
- Rekindle friendships.
- Ladder starcraft 2!!
- Practice my Arabic.
- Read more. Make some ceramics even if it is a total pain in the ass finding a kiln. Play with the Pig... so he doesn't forget about me. :[
- Do things that I want to do even if I can't find anyone to do them with. I'm a very social creature.
- Have bonfires. Go swimming in the lake. Get stuck in the rain.
- Fly a kite. Maybe go canoeing! Breathe in every part of life in Madison before I journey away from it. I would like to go to a concert or two.
- Make youtube videos... with Ross and other people who are interested! We have some sweet ideas!

I guess I can add more to that later.

Men jumped from buildings, the dust was overwhelming.

2010-01-19T09:02:00.000-08:00

So.
It's been literally a long time since I've updated this. And, well, usually I was always choosing to make youtube videos instead of update but I don't have any footage I want to use right now anyways so here I am.

It was the first day of school, though, I only had one class. So tomorrow will be the true test. Or next week.

Winter break was a lot of hanging out with Kyle. My average day went like this:
- get up at 9:30 am, drink coffee, snoop about the internet
- sometimes work on a youtube video
- shower
- work
- hang out with Kyle 8-2 about
- go home and sleep
- get up at 9:30 and wish that I slept more. Decide to hang out with Kyle less.
- repeat. fail at hanging out with Kyle less.

Well, anyway. He's out of town. It's the first day of school. Everything has been melting the past few days, which makes me feel good. It's been seeming like spring(and, for now, we'll pretend that it is spring.)
Please let it be an early spring.

I'm trying to take a break from thinking about the future(since all my plans seem to laugh at me) but it's hard to expect something amazing to happen without planning it. And I'm ready for adventures.

I haven't

2009-12-27T07:19:00.001-08:00

I haven't updated this in literally forever. Maybe I will get around to that.

The rabbit in the lion's claw knows the world is good enough

2009-12-08T11:58:00.000-08:00

Well, hello. I promised to update on Tuesday and now that Tuesday's here I don't really want to. But, I don't know what the homework is- it hasn't been emailed me to yet and I have 45 minutes to kill before leaving for work.

Okay. When did I last updaaaate

Well, on Friday I came home afterschool and I hung out with Gwen and she helped me bake cookies and we just got generally caught up in one another's lives. She thought my christina piercing looked suuuuper awesome. And at 4:30 I was meeting Molly and Melissa at The Green Owl the first only vegan/vegetarian restaurant in Madison. I mean, a lot of restaurants have tons of veggie options but this one is all veggie. And only 1 item on the menu is vegetarian(not vegan) because it contains eggs. So there were 4 of us and here's what we ate with a rating of /5 stars.
Appetizers:
-Daily Bread and Spread(the spread was spinach dip) 5/5
-Crabby Cakes 2/5 they were not crispy on the outside and you didn't get enough for the money
-Sweet Potato french fries 4.5/5 simple, cheap, delicious
Soup:
- African Peanut Stew(it changes daily) 5/5 delicious... and if that's a cup of soup I am scared of what a bowl is.
Entrees(we each tried each other's):
- Jambalaya with veggie chicken 3.5/5 it was good but I thought it could be proportioned differently, more beans to rice ratio. Came with sauteed greens which were yummy
- Vegan Schnitzel 4/5 a very meat-like dish. breaded tofu patty in a creamy mushroom sauce with delicious heavily (vegan)buttered and very garlicy
- Stuffed Red Pepper 5/5 I don't even like pepper! It was delicious. It was soft and moist and captured some sweetness of the pepper.
Dessert
- walnut cranberry tart 5/5 very good. They said they were temporarily offering it in a half size at $2 and I said thy should keep it that way because after eating a full meal that was just the right amount of tart and a better deal at $2.

Okay, so, that was my busy Friday.

Saturday was Kyle's birthday. I hung out with him and his family. I got some Christmas shopping done at the Farmer's Market and the Fair Trade bazaar that was next door. I ate a delicious vegetable raw from the farmer's market.
http://albioncooks.blogspot.com/2006/11/romanesca-cauliflower.html

I gave him cookies I baked and a pirate flag. I dunno.

Sunday was work and uneventful.
Monday also.

Today I was productive! After class I went first to the postoffice to apply for a passport, next to the city county building to buy my dad this calendar he wants for christmas, next to walgreens, fontana, pop deluxe. Christmas shopping. Then I came home tried to do Arabic homework(but it still hasn't been emailed!) instead did the dishes attempted to make a youtube video and am now updating my blog for your reading pleasure.

My schedule for the week
Wednesday: (blizzard?) school, work
Thursday: school, work
Friday: school. Lunch with Hope(??), hang out with my parents a bit. Hang out with Kyle?
Saturday: go buy hair dye? Hang out with Kyle? worrrrk. :[

That's all for now.

sorry in advance for this

2009-12-07T20:13:00.000-08:00

the worst question I always get asked is "why do you live at home?"
Because of all the times I couldn't move out with you.

O_O

2009-12-06T20:07:00.001-08:00

Will update for real on/by Tuesday.
Until then you can check me out on youtube:
http://www.youtube.com/user/okcallmegoddess

Betty, It's so hard to related to the whole human race

2009-12-01T11:57:00.000-08:00

Just stopping by to say hi quickly. I know I haven't had a proper update.

It's Tuesday, I guess, with 3 weeks left of school. The Thanksgiving long weekend was amazing. Somehow I had no school/no work Thursday-Sunday. I hung out with Grace, Becca/Kevin, Kyle, others. It wasn't as relaxing as it could have been(had I not been up to so much stuff) but it was really fun and renewed my interest in this planet a little bit.

Lastnight I was working in the liquor department again. It was surprisingly busy for a Monday night. And, well, another guy asked for my number. O_O
I dunno why that freaks me out so much. I am like deer in headlights, I have trouble even saying no politely.
Anyway, he was very charming and interesting. From Florida, traveling the country, spending a couple of months at each stop. He saw snow for the first time in his life last week. It kind of made me wish I could remember some firsts like that. Anyway, we actually talked a bit about Burrito Drive where he works and everything and like I would totally befriend him for his stay here but I don't think that's what he was implying. I told him that my creeper alert goes nuts when people ask for my number and he said it's fine and that next time he's in he'll bring by a menu because apparently the guacamole at Burrito Drive is to die for.

I dunno. I just had to get that off my chest. I guess everyone is just looking for a new diversion on this planet and that's why we seek out new things and people. Maybe I shouldn't be freaked out.

Anyway. I have to go get ready for work. This took 7 minutes to write.

Art by a non-artist

2009-11-30T12:15:00.000-08:00

Mexican Radio #8

2009-11-26T08:29:00.000-08:00

Hello world. Happy Thanksgiving.

In my mind, no matter what, no matter how the dates fall I always always always think Thanksgiving is Thursday November 26th, so I am glad it actually is this year.

Well, I had a short week of school, obviously, this is my weekend. So all in all not much happened. Work was super busy all of the following days: Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. Tuesday though I worked in the liquor department which was better. And because of the holiday there was a distributor there doing wine tastings and it was nice to have someone there who knows a lot about wine: what's good, what's not, etc. But the people at the wine tasting table all looked so silly with their plastic cups standing in the middle of a grocery store trying to look all hoity-toity sipping wine. They would stand there for like 10 minutes discussing with him. "Oh, you're right, this wine is so light and unassuming!" they would. It was silly.

Yesterday I was on the bus coming home from school and there was a guy my age with blue hair. And, he rode for a couple stops and then picked up his stuff and sat next to me. At first I was creeped out because I don't like creepy bus-talkers. But, he seemed okay so we kept talking. We talked about things like: plastic pink flamingos, words sounding like nonsense if you say them enough and who gets to name hurricanes and the rules of naming hurricanes. So, I had decided he wasn't creepy. Then I was about to get off and he's all "heyyy, do you have a number?" And I was all "O_O" because I'm not ready for that kind of stuff and it put him back in the creeper zone. So I was like "uhhhhhh uhhhhhhhhh uhhhhhh facebook. I'll be the one with orange hair."
So, a bit later there's the friend request and coincidentally he went to the same high school as Kyle and his roommates. So, after work I go to their apartment and we facebook stalk him together.

Then we went to see Ninja Assassin. A hilariously cheesy ninja movie with the fakest fake blood. But it was neat. And it was snowing and I biked home in the snow.

Also, I would just like to say thank you to whoever painted Mexican Radio #8 and the other paintings we found. Your painting is hanging in my room, it fits so wonderfully. It makes me happy to see. And it makes me feel like we're not so alone on this earth. I don't know anything about you... but I have a piece of your hanging in my room. :] So, thanks.

2009-11-22T09:09:00.000-08:00

I have a headache. And am using that as a viable excuse for procrastinating my homework. However, I do work later today so I don't want to procrastinate so much. Still want to complete my homework so that after work I can lounge around and read the isthmus.

Let's see here.
Friday I had Ross and Kyle over and we made a vegan coffee cake together, and ate vegan coffee cake together and talked. It was good. Then we rode our bikes down to willy st to get my vagina pierced. We had to wait around for the jewelery to be autoclaved and Ross bought alcohol from this shop where the guy barely spoke english.
The piercing... hurt. But it wasn't horrible or life changing or anything. The artist told me the last chick who got a christina piercing started screaming as soon as the needle was near her and didn't stop the whole time. Surface piercings hurt a little more because he actually maneuvers the needle through in the shape of the jewelery, aka in, turn 90 degrees, straight, turn 90 degrees, pop out. But, actually, it hasn't been painful since. Neither in soaking/cleaning or riding bikes. :]
Then Friday night I just had a chill night. Sat at my computer, listened to this amazing playlist. Talked a tonnnn with Becca, which was nice. I went to bed earlyish. :]

Saturday I got up, did some homework, etc. Then I went to John's for 2 hours or so. We sat on the couch and talked. I was glad to hear that his hand is fine and that he has a new job which he is more excited about. And that he got a cavity filled. etc. If you listen to his blog apparently it was awkward but I think it could have been much worse. I brought him a piece of coffee cake, I hope he liked it, he didn't eat it while I was there.
Then I had to leave to go to work. Which was work.
Came home, bummed around the house a bit and went to go hang out with Kyle and Brandon. Ben is back in Waupaca visiting his family. So, that was at 7:30 and Kyle and I got on our bikes with a mission. We were going to retrieve some abandoned paintings we found on Friday, but couldn't carry then. They are oil on canvas. There were two realllllyyyyyy cool ones. And two okay ones. I took my favorite which is puprle and orange and will look awesome in my room and left the rest for him to decorate the apartment with. We sat around for a bit waiting for Brandon to get home. No sex for a while(and no masturbating for me... considering the placement of the piercing). Brandon got home and we all talked about stuff. Brandon is so funny.

Then, we had this awesome idea of trying to get the night manager at copps to let us into the underground tunnel in copps. And he's a pretty cool guy. So, we biked over and he was not thrilled with the idea. Kyle has the key while on the clock... but we can't go on adventures during the middle of the dayyy. Then we had a bicycle olympics in the copps parking lot, where we returned carts while on bike. We chased another bike gang. We biked to the yahara and spit off the bridge, we played with a opossum. Brandon was kinda drunk and super funny. I think I have been accepted as cool enough to talk to. Because I was like "can be the new Ben?" and he was like "you can be the Better Ben. !!"

It was a gorgeous night for biking around. Then it was 1:15am and I came home and went to bed. My legs were tired.

Now I have homework -> work -> sleeping?

Me playing with my new makeup

2009-11-20T16:38:00.000-08:00

Trying to do a 'scene girls' inspired look. My eyes are done differently, each. And I did that quirky partial lipstick thing. Taken lastnight. That's all for now.

Well, you studied Pharmacology, it's funny how that goes

2009-11-18T20:02:00.000-08:00

now you're seeing trails and following footprints in the snow.

Well, hello there.

Rain rain rain rain
rain rain rain

On Tuesday I only had one class and I came home and begin the process of registering for classes for the spring. Well, I had my schedule alllll planned out but when it came time to register one of my filler classes was already full. So, I swapped out Rhetoric of Religion for Women's Studies: health and disease(Women's Studies: Culture and Society was full too). So, I enrolled in that, and in 4th semester Arabic and the next semester of French(intro to literary analysis, a class that I am fully aware will be a suicide. But I can't think of anything else productive to take that doesn't completely fuck my work schedule. Even though I will probably be lightening my work load anyway. p.s. yes this whole thing was in parenthesis, someone stop me.)
So, then a class that I neeeed to get into was full: colloquial Arabic. Mustafa is the teacher though so I emailed him to express my desire to get in and I think he will be able to just scratch my name onto the roster.

While I was looking for a new filler class I was browsing the PE classes(since I had ice skating on my wishlist; also full already) and I found a class called Bicycling: Road. And basically it doesn't start until April 5th and ends May 5th, the whole class is attendance and we basically follow the teacher around via bike for 2 hours on tuesdays and thursdays. You know how I love biking. :] And, actually, I think that literally being required to bike an extra 4 hours a week would be a huge stress reliever for me. I can't beat myself up about not studying during that time or not calling back Melissa to hang out, or not going to the study abroad counselor... 100% uninterrupted chill time. So, well, sad news, that class was full too, but I Immediately(yes, I capitalized that) emailed the 'professor' to get on the waiting list. Pllleeeeasssse someone drop so that I can bike for credit. That would be an amazing class. :]
Must. Bike.

On Sunday I had the whole day to myself, it was amazing, despite the fact that I studied the whole time. And then at night Kyle came over and we made crepes together. It was easy and fun and we each had a pan so no one was just standing around. Then we ate them. It was a tasty late dinner. And I had leftovers for a very pleasant Monday breakfast! :]

Friday Ross and maybe Hope and maybe Molly and maybe others are coming over in the morning and we're going to bake and eat vegan coffee cake. I am fairly excited. On the other hand it would be nice to have a day of complete nothing, just blobbing about the house(if my parents were gone that is, they've been annoying me lately), playing the Facebook Photoshoot Game, taking a bath with the door open, etc.

I have a really good playlist on, which is why I am still up. And looking for lyrics with which to title this entry!

And, now, a very kitschy poem. Or, maybe, a couple! I sometimes write kitschy poems and keep them ultra secret because I am far too deep and insightful for such nonsense. xP
whatevvvverrrrr

Pricking at the air with his nose
sharply
and with a sense of urgency
beyond forgiving

I smile sweetly when
It is revealed that all his great rumbling
was the thunder of an oncoming sneeze.

My Jesus is Quite Large
Jesus,
with his doe-like eyes
and his effeminate hands
(or was he a carpenter?)
looks down on me in my day-to-day
routines.

He sees me reading embarrassing
magazine subscriptions,
he sees me picking my toe nails.

He tires of holding his arms to the sides
as he watches me at rest.

My grandmother, I guess,
keeps her Jesus in her heart,
but my Jesus is quite large
and hangs in a prominent spot
away from the other paintings I own.

...
Well, that's all.
I was bummed for most of the day but I am feeling much better now.
Actually, I ordered some new make up / nail polishes which came and I painted my nails! :]

Canada, Cana-doody-doody-da

2009-11-16T19:37:00.000-08:00

I had my toes tied up in knots
and my calves pulled under you
like bur-oak roots, erupting from the earth

For all I could tell
you were plastic
a coin-operated general store ride

And through the outside wall
I could hear the traffic:
people just as in motion as we were

Sirens and blood red light
poured into the dark room
I had my face in the sheets.

And it's been such a hard season... but I'd like to think we're better off for it

2009-11-15T16:46:00.000-08:00

Katrina Gray is convinced that she was born in the most beautiful and magical city on the northern hemisphere on the planet earth.

I was quite productive today. I got up at 9:30 and almost immediately started studying for my botany exam tomorrow. I had some breakfast and returned to studying. At 12:30 my parents left for a play and I studied and listened to Final Fantasy until 3:00. Then, I got on my bike in my neon blue/pink zebra stripe pants and an over-kill of a winter hat and biked to campus.

It took me a half hour, the bike paths were deserted. The people on state street were laughing and being merry. The lake was absolutely serene. When I got off my bike the ground was foreign to me, sometimes I feel so connected to my bike that it's hard to walk, I was clunky on my own feet. I went to a review session for the botany test and sat and took notes. The review session let out at 5:00 and it was dark, the bike paths were even more deserted. The lake was a mirror, I wish I had a camera with me in the bike elevator. There's not soo many stars tonight(atleast there weren't then) maybe it's overcast yet. I looked at the lights across the lake, God Madison is beautiful. It was cold biking back, but not too cold.

When I got back I studied more and I'm taking a break to write this. I also have been hiccuping for the last ten minutes(it'll get older much faster when I'm not thinking so much about pleasant things: an amazingly peaceful bike ride, just the concrete and I). And I'm waiting for Kyle to bike over after work and we're going to cook crepes together.

My plans for the week:
Monday: school, scary botany exam, work
tuesday: school, work in the liquor department.
wednesday: school, linguistics exam. Hanging out with Kyle?
thursday: school, work
friday: school, hanging out with Ross? hanging out with Hope?
saturday: work? stuff? I dunno.

As you can see I don't have my schedule all booked yet, though maybe that's not bad. Sleeping.

Oh, bicycle, you know me so well.

Sweet confusion you'll be my only child, my only child.

2009-11-12T19:15:00.000-08:00

I feel much better today.
John called me this morning. I felt a little weird about having tried to contact him lastnight... in the state that I was in. But I was happy to hear from him.

Then I went to school. :] Arabic, Arabic discussion, botany discussion. I met up with Hope and we stopped by her dorm quick and then came to the eastside(read: the goodside). I really wanted to try the food at the cupcakery! Which we did. We talked about everything. We ate delicious food. I think we spent an hour and 45 minutes in the cupcakery just catching each other up on stuff. We agree on so much stuff.
We both get the feeling of wanting to drop everything and leave. Even if just to better appreciate where we are now. So, we talked about that a lot. And we each entered a raffle for 2 plane tickets to anywhere in the US. She got me realllllyyyyyy considering taking a break from college. There's such a huge and somewhat pointless herd mentality about going to college. For many people, myself included, college is still not the real world. It's like a playpen for young adults. Which I think is frustrating and sickening and comforting.

But now I'm feeling better. And I studied a bunch today, I feel seriously productive. Tomorrow night I am babysitting like 9:30-2:00. And Saturday night I am working 4-9. Monday I have a super scary botany exam!!!! :/

Well, I copied John. He wrote a poem about sex. And, since he asked me, he knows that I didn't really like it. I think... that... it is too fake... or something because I'm pretty sure he doesn't personally feel that way about sex(maybe I'm wrong and he does but it's quite crass and unforgiving, I think, so I hope he doesn't) and so he's not a good spokesperson for it. Well, it made me want to try to write a poem about sex. And so, I wrote two of them and I guess it's not entirely explicit of sex and could arguably be inclusive of other intimate contact... but I think sex is implied enough.

An Observation on Sex
We were an anemone
with all our limbs and yet smaller limbs
pulling taut the sandy sheets
incomparable to the softness of
naked skin
or the ocean floor

Moreover,
I was sweating behind
the knees and in the small
of my back

It was more than a temporary
transfer of fluids
or the ignition of some
primal instinct.
Rather, more like eating
an unnecessary meal.

Yes, like ice cream.
So much like ice cream, in fact,
that it melts in the summer
and is too cold in the winter.

-

I made you turn the lights on,
since the sun was hiding, and
we had nothing left to hide behind,
with all our bows and ribbons
building a cairn on the floor.

We were like puffs of smoke
no more solid
no more weighted

Until billowing out all our moisture
(fogging up those cold winter windows)
our skins, our apertures, hung looser and
eventually we fell, no longer aloft.

Then we were more like marionettes
but still hollow.

nb mbnm,bnm

2009-11-11T19:28:00.000-08:00

vgjnvngvhkbhnvncvb

:[

Sometimes I think I am bipolar. My baseless emotional instability is baffling. I don't even make sense to myself. I've been feeling down for like the last three days(read: last three months?) and one minute I'll be fine the next something totally small throws my illusion of balance off of the deep end.

Maybe I should like... consider seeing someone about this. I won't, though. I'm considering call the suicide-helpline. People all over the world are getting paid to make me feel better but I'm not utilizing that service.

I'm not in the ranting-sad. I'm in the sad where my brain is ranting but I can't understand it so I just sit. It's much worse actually. Atleast when I'm crazy-ranting sad I am enthusiastic and passionate and empowered in my own sadness. This is much more hopeless.

This is where I will be where you can find me

2009-11-08T13:47:00.001-08:00

Wednesday I saw Dave Eggers speak with his friend and the protagonist of one of his books Valentino Achek Deng from Southern Sudan. And I got my book signed!! The place was soooo packed with people and the lecture/slideshow was interesting. On Thursday I spoke with Mustafa(in Arabic) about Sudan and the relations between north and south.

Thursday I saw Bayside with Jeep, at The Majestic. They opened for The Bouncing Souls, which was a fun band, especially because the lead singer just sings and so he was dancing and having a lot of connection with the audience. This girl a few to my left got a guitar pick from Bayside, from Jack O'Shea but thennnnn I got a pick from the bouncing souls and after the show ran over to trade with her. Bayside is sooo good live. It was a really fun show and I got squished a lot. I didn't like all the douche-y crowd surfers though. They were these five people who just kept getting on stage and messing with The Bouncing Souls and getting kicked off by security. Looosers

Friday I saw The Mountain Goats with John at The High Noon Saloon. The opening band was Final Fantasy a totally baller guy with super innovative, impressive music and a glass of white wine on stage. Clearly gay. Clearly awesome.
John Darnielle is amazing. He is so fucking good and writing and performing music. One thing that I love and find absolutely fascinating is that he admittedly makes up his songs. In that, he'll say "this song is about..." and that's not something he's experienced in his life, it's not about him, it is it's own entity. That it makes ten thousand times more amazing that it can be so relate-able and so perfectly human. I could probably go on for hours, but John Darnielle is amazing.

And, now I have a marked lack of sleep. Stay up late, get up early... 4 days in a row? Tonight after I finish my Arabic homework I plan to go to bed at 9:00 at the latest.

Oh, yeah! Wednesday John and I went to Olbrich gardens to see the corpse flower but it was done blooming. But I saw lots of cute quails and interesting carnivorous plants. :] Also, on Friday I spent five hours playing starcraft or watching Husky's livestream it was actually super fun, Husky is such a chill guy, I donated $20 to his commentating expenses.
Here's my tenative plan for this week

Monday: school. I dunno.
Tuesday: school, lots of work 3-9
Wednesday: school, work
Thursday: school, hanging out with Hope! :O Yayyy Maybe we can go eat food at the cupcakery, or somewhere.
Friday: school
As you can see I need to come up with cool stuff to do this week, especially since I had soooo many cool things last week. I'm getting really anxious again to get some new body mods. :/
That's all. :]

2009-11-03T04:31:00.001-08:00

That was when I watched the bats
with their wings, built like my own fingers
fighter-planes in that grey sky.

And the magnolias were sagging
from their boughs
all blushing and coy
in my neighbor's front yard.

And you were catching
the smell of the wind on your chest
and in your hair, busy biking down oak street.
Chasing the children in our shadows.

After all this time,
still afraid of petting bumblebees
of the lake.

And you asked about the children and you asked about the weather

2009-11-01T07:45:00.000-08:00

Things in my life. Super busy. Trying so hard to study, hard when you don't want to. Stressing about stuff that I logically probably shouldn't be stressing about. Like what to major in, what to be 'when I grow up.'

I got a really cool looking spiderman backpack. I like it quite a lot.

My bike got stuck at work the other week, I put the key in the lock and with my amazing strength broke the key in the lock. Chris, a coworker, and I tried to saw our way through the lock but it was unsuccessful. bolt cutters.

John. We talked on the phone one night when I was on break, it was funny. We talked about slugs. I lent him my buspass even though it's something I'm somewhat uncomfortable with... I thought maybe we would hang out if I did... but then apparently he wasn't ready. I really really really really really really really really really really really really really want to go to The Mountain Goats concert with him. :/ We both understand John Darnielle! Beyond how other people understand him. We both know allllll the lyrics. We must go together. His blog talked about going to a GP... I hope that falls through so that he can go to the mountain goats. :[
And, he wrote a poem about not wanting to go see the corpse flower with me. I'll guess I'll take the hint and not wait for him, then.

Trying already to pick classes for next semester. Want to disappear. I am thinking about taking the next french class Intro to Literary Analysis. I know it's going to be a haarrrd class, especially since I took a semester(and summer) off of French. Reading intensive, writing intensive. Why are there no classes out there that are playing intensive or napping intensive or, like, life-lessons intensive? Maybe like a 2-credit thing?

Oh! I went to meet Chairman Bob to tell him to let me have orange hair. It went very well, I think. I was charming and assertive and he was like "this is a saleswoman!" and he's right, I was selling my awesome personality to prove that I should be allowed to have orange hair.

I got kind of mad at Kyle lastnight. Yeah, pretty mad at him. And then him and his roommate Ben were fighting and it was super awkward, I wanted to curl up in a ball and not exist. But then everybody made up and we all 4 of us had fun running around the apartment, trying to jump out of our socks(yes), locking Branden out of things, talking about 20-stuffed oreos, etc. But before that! I was mad. :/

I work 3-7 today, I had Friday/Saturday off which was nice. So today it feels like I have no time at all to do anything. Here's my week:
Monday: school, work, homework

Tuesday: school, hanging out with Kyle(?), work, homework

Wednesday: school, homework, DAVE EGGERS!!! Chazen art museum!! So excited!!

Thursday: school, homework, Bayside with Jeep.

Friday: school, homework, The Mountain Goats, hopefully, fingers-crosed, so totally want it to be with John. And I know he loves to get dressed up to go places and I know he said he does like going places with me, despite the fact that we didn't do it very often and I know he wants to see them play again. God John Darnielle is amazing. Please John. Pllllleaseeeee.

Saturday: sleep, homework, work, no plans. Corpse flower? It's free on Saturdays and wednesdays 10a-12.

I had a halloween costume but nothing to do with it. I was an eggplant.

Oh, and pumpkins.

untitled

2009-10-26T18:54:00.000-07:00

I hung candy-corn shaped lights in my room. They are wonderful. They are the happiest experience of my day toady. Here are pictures of us enjoying eachothers' company.

2009-10-24T20:58:00.001-07:00

The tree, with it's branches open like a palm
is bleeding out it's leaves
for winter.
And like a bear I am hibernating
in flannel and fleece and
all manners of softness.
Poetry and picnics
the country gravy of my grandmother.

I want to go to sleep and wake up in May. I want to go to Africa, I want to go to Oregon, Venice. I want to start a life that is purposeful in it's lack of purpose. I want to have stars painted on the ceiling in my house and the hems of my pants caked with mud.

I put on mascara: black coat of confidence,

2009-10-23T15:45:00.000-07:00

Oh, hey there.

I am so glad it is Friday. I thought this week was gonna take forever but surprisingly enough it didn't. It went by fairly quickly.

Come to think of it I guess I don't have all that much to say. I saw Ross today. We did some freestyle rapping together, among other things. My rap included the lines "I've got a hot-rod // been planting some sod" lol.

I don't really feeeeeel like going out into the world tonight, with the raaain and everything. But I should probably hang out with Kyle since like tomorrow I work in the liquor department, won't get home until 9:20 and won't want to hang out with him then.

Ants were marching
across my brow
as I'm sure you heard,
you were pressed so close to me.

In the plummeting heat
of a summer night
we killed the silence
or, maybe, let it live.
I tapped out your heartbeats
with my tongue.
You trapped me
in your big arms.

Like ghouls, the people
of Madison, Wisconsin
shuffle from their mausoleums
held under a blanket of dawn

congregating, convoluted
the people of Madison, Wisconsin
are dressed up in starched clothing
and smelling of patchouli oil

A city built on shapes,
and shapely women
with plum colored lips
and nectarine cheeks
heart-shaped jawlines

The people of Madison, Wisconsin
live in the houses of their grandfathers
their babies cry
corn-fed with fleshy fingers

These people
have their eyes to the sky.

I will wonder where it was I knew you from

2009-10-22T11:56:00.000-07:00

Imagine this.
You have just eaten a small but adequate snack, on a campus of 40,000 people and you are walking to your next destination. But, wait, everyone is looking at you. Frantic, you realize you must have food on your face...
or is it just because you have orange hair.
The dilemma of my life.

Rain rain rain. You know how that goes. My complex emotions are in no way affected (effected?) by the rain. I think it's effected. Cause and effect. I have a nasal affectation. Anyways.

I guess I'm not supposed to text or facebook John right now, which is something I usually do. I guess we're on a break because like... the way things were, beside being hard, was kind of like mopping the floor with dirty water. Sure, the intention was to clean but in reality everything we went over just got dirty again. So, we're going to take the time to go empty the mop pail, rinse out the mop, move all the furniture. And then I think it will be much easier to do our mopping up and have a clean floor.
... If you know what I mean.

WOW. Completely random. I guess I know why I don't want a fancy touch screen phone. I'm pretty sure John just accidentally called me with like his phone in his pocket. And he was talking about camera obscura which was like Becca's most favie band for a while... so I dunno, Becca and I don't usually fall in love with each others' music choices. I don't know if I should text him back and be like "O_O you squished your phone and made it call me." Well, it probably won't happen again. I don't want to have missed calls from him and not know if I'm supposed to call back or not. o_O

gotta go to work. :/
:[
rain. John.
D:
Now I'm oddly stressed after that.

the sparrow in the housecat's jaw knows the world is good enough

2009-10-18T16:16:00.000-07:00

Fall is upon us. The weather today was gorgeous, I am fighting off a cold.
Who wants to go to Freakfest with me?

full of hope and love that tires like a mule on fire

2009-10-17T08:02:00.000-07:00

I got to play starcraft lastnighttt!!!!!!!!! Oh my God! It was so fun. I thought I would be terribad since lasttime I played was like... august. And, yeah, I was out of practice, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. So soso so fun. Here's a video of a guy getting mad that I stole his gas, and then QQing. http://www.xfire.com/video/1666ce/

School school school work work work. I've been busy like that. Which is too bad because I want to play sc. :]

Uhhhhhm. what else. I'll try to update this thing more frequently and more pleasantly.

:[

2009-10-09T04:18:00.000-07:00

I really didn't want to get up. I was super warm and snuggly and having weird dreams.

I am still undecided.
When I think to myself "I will break up with Kyle." My brain goes "wait! Think about all that you haven't learned about him, and how he's opening up to someone for like the first time ever and how he talking to him at work makes your face turn red."

When I say to myself "I will stay with John" (you see, I never say "I will break up with John), my brain is worried about whether or not I'll be mean to him, forgive him, other things that are too sad to write on a blog.

When I say "I will stay with Kyle." My brain says "That's a fine choice, you'll surely be happy enough, not necessarily overly happy, I mean save for the gaping hole in your world that is John. But maybe you can get him to be friends with you sooner than he'd like, like 4 months or 5 months."
I never got that break from him that I screamed and cried and begged for when we first broke up. I don't entirely want it. I don't entirely not want it.
That's one nice thing about Kyle, I don't see him allll the time, I can spend some time with myself, a rare thing.

John wanted to come to school with me. A cute idea but school, with it's 40,000 people, is some of my only alone time.

I'm hanging out with Ross today, maybe Kyle, my uncle for his birthday. No one who likes me wants to watch Choke with me, so screw you all, I'll watch it myself.

here's to the rubble, a brick through every window.

2009-10-07T20:57:00.000-07:00

Wow. I just stayed up watching a chickflick. with tonsss of break-ups, getting-togethers, divorces, marriages, relationships. And It was hard. It was a good movie, though.

Breaking up with Kyle would be so easy. It's almost sad, it's like he's a teeny tiny turtle and there I put my foot high up over him and he pulls all his arms and legs into his shell, so nonchalantly, unafraid, as though his tiny shell would stop my foot and his imminent death.

John got stood up. I felt bad.

breaking up with Kyle would be easy. Losing John (forever?) would be hard. Staying with Kyle would be easy. Staying with John would be ?????. And that's another point of constricture for me. I feel like it's going to hard being with him and hard being without him.
Is constricture redundant? Doesn't stricture already mean that, so, like... whatever. It's late.

day 4?

2009-10-07T04:11:00.000-07:00

Currently: mad at John still. Wanting his friendship. Didn't talk to him yesterday, that was too bad. Realized that breaking up with Kyle would be easy in that he wouldn't do/say much especially since he's knows the situation. It's almost too sad, like, too easy to just step on him a little.

I have pre-established plans with him and his parents for this weekend. O_O But he said if we do break up it can be like our final stunt of friendship. Direct quote "we can fake like we're still going out." Sad.

day 3, premptive thoughts

2009-10-06T04:14:00.000-07:00

Currently: sad, cold, very mad at John. You can't just give people ridiculous ultimatums like that. You just can't. If you truly cared about me how could you threaten to leave me like that, and never talk to me again? I'm not asking to spend every waking minute with you, if you want to be sometimes friends that's awesome if you want to best friends that's awesome.

I wish we could be like Michael and Jules in My Best Friend's Wedding. Those friends who everyone knows are great for each other but who themselves are busy in relationships with others, busy in their careers, perfectly supportive best friends. Until we get back together.

Ultimatums are retarded!!! They are so bad. You are literally asking me to entirely cut a human being from my life. How can you do that? I'm so pissed.
There's a scale, alright, on the left there's us being together as a couple, on the right there's us never seeing each other again, there are one hundred thousand million midway points. How can you make everything so discrete?

John, if you stick with me, we will learn to appreciate each others company in a whole new light, we will continue to learn new things about each other, you will have, as usual, all my trust and we'll talk to one another. You can tell me those goddamn stories I'm always asking for.

I have to get ready for school. I could go on.
Current decision: wanting to be friends with John, trying to convince him that it's entirely plausible. Mad at him for giving such a large ultimatum. Willing to read more Murakami if he'll be my friend.
Yes, it will be hard at first, I'm not trying to say that it won't. But I knowknowknow that being totally separated from one another is going to be hard too and pretty much completely pointless.

Day 2 continued: "How my dysfunction used to function so beautifully."

2009-10-05T18:00:00.000-07:00

"I had the same worry that we wouldn't later be able to undo whatever it was we were doing to ourselves."

On an unrelated note I saw my cousin Holly today which was nice but and we had some nice conversation. I am a bit concerned about her financial status the way she talked about how all her credit cards are maxed. Hopefully that won't turn into an issue for her and I don't plan to ever be in that situation(if I can help it). But no one can make your mistakes for you.
I'm already tired and it's only Monday.

Onto the matters at hand.

Today I didn't really hear from John much. I did however have to talk about him and hear about him. To my cousin and from my parents a fair bit. I swear this whole situation feels awful. I was mostly thinking about John in a positive light. And, though, I still feel it would be horrendous to break up with Kyle my overall Monday decision is to be with John. My parents were saying what a tremendous change they've seen in him, they have noticed his attitude and dress and hygiene etc has changed for the better. One thing I like about John is that I know that if I'm missing him he's missing me too(as of late, that is, even when we were at our happiest I know everyone has solitary distractions... I just wish that my missing someone would coincidentally fall at the same times as them missing me.) Kyle misses me, I think, but not to the same extent.
Another thing I like about John is that he's not bashful about public displays of affection, in fact I believe I've come to be more bashful about it than him, I was embarrassed at the concert to be as kissy as I think he would have liked.

Kyle and I talked on the phone once today when I was waiting to hear from my cousin. I like him. He's nice. He's breaking from his shell. Maybe one thing I like about Kyle is that if anyone I'm the one doing the chasing. It's a nice change.

John is such a romantic I almost feel it's fitting how tragic this all has been. That's mean I think. He doesn't deserve it. I hate having discussions with him, he is impossible. And sometimes I am afraid of him because I know how mean he could be to me and how likely it is I would immediately forgive him, most simply because afterwards I would want him there to make me feel better.
Kyle's smart. He's not John-smart.

Speaking of feeling better I still don't. I feel highly discouraged. I feel sad, I feel numb. I don't have anyone to tell. I feel the best when I'm sleeping. Mustafa thinks I'm not paying attention in class, but I don't want to look at him because I think he will see that I am sad. I failed a botany exam. I have a linguistics exam on Wednesday that I need to be studying for.
Maybe I should drop out of college.

The ugly side of intelligence is the calculating, manipulating, overthinking. I told John once that I think we used to manipulate each other and he said no but I think we both did a little, nothing major. The other night I told Kyle that I was mad at him, he was kind of like a deer, attentive, soft-footed. He said he could tell but didn't want to press the issue when I didn't want to talk about it.

I think I am going to encourage my family to help me fund a spring break vacation via christmas presents. To Morocco? How much do plane tickets to morocco cost?
Oh God they are so much. O_O
I will have to investigate other countries besides morocco.

I guess right now I choose John. But I DO NOT WANT TO BREAK UP WITH KYLE usually when I say that it's because I like him and enjoy being his girlfriend and have no reason to, but right now it's because it's unpleasant to break up with people.

I could probably go on.

In order to help me get my thoughts straight,

2009-10-05T04:16:00.000-07:00

and to decide on John versus Kyle. :[[
I am going to not interact with them this week and record my thoughts.

Day 1(yesterday)
- Thought about John putting me in this situation. If he would just be my friend I wouldn't have to choose who I get to never talk to again. :[[
- Kyle, I think, was mad at me for this whole situation and for telling John, for the second time, that I'll break up with him.
- When John and I talked it was sad with crying and crying and crying.
- I got kind of annoyed because John was a bit too persistent trying to get me to hang out with him.

Day 2
- John called me and woke me up at 6:00(before my alarm). It was fine but not necessary for overall life happiness.

EDIT
I forgot to give a conclusion. Yesterday: I wanted Kyle.
Currently: Feeling like John will spoil me more, do I want that? I mean, right now? Feeling like it might be nice to be unattached for once. To be untethered when I move to Chicago or Egypt or wherever. Admitting that it's nice to hold John's hand. Not wanting to break up with Kyle because that's hard and it sucks. Wanting to hold John's hand; sounds like a resounding decision of currently wanting two boyfriends. Which then makes me say ">:/ I have to choose?!?" It's harder than it sounds.

2009-10-03T19:37:00.000-07:00

ujhklthdtyi
fh
dTYij
dr
tuy eae:OL M

fuckkkkkkk everything

2009-10-03T19:12:00.001-07:00

google isn't always as helpful as you'd think.

RAWR

2009-09-21T12:21:00.000-07:00

I haven't updated in a while. I've been pretty busy besides not really having a ton to say.

Hopefully I'll get less busy :] and have time again.

I hope you blink before I do.

2009-09-12T15:27:00.000-07:00

Hm. Yesterday I ended up having some time to myself. It was gorgeous outside. I listened to Freezepop and hung out outside. Then I sewed a patch on one of my dresses while listening to 1997. Then I took a really long hot amazing bath while listening to The Hush Sound. Then I got some clay out and did some sculpting while listening to Danielle Ate The Sandwich. I made some very cute, very tiny miniatures. I made a bird, a cat, a toad, a zombie and a man eating his own arm. I also considered making a penguin. Pictures of those will come later.

I was also wearing a really cute outfit yesterday and promised John that I would take a picture of it. Which reminded me that I had wanted to write a blog entry contemplating my personal style. So, this is pretty much gonna be pictures of me. Including: an outfit I thought I looked really cool in, the dress I patched and my outfit yesterday.

What is my style? O_O
I do not know.
a cute one. :]

TOADS OMG

2009-09-09T19:45:00.000-07:00

Well. I mostly want to tell you about the amazing new friend I made tonight biking home from work. It was 8:00 and the daylight was failing and out of the corner of my eye I saw something move in the parking lot. So, knowing me, I jumped off my bike to investigate and I found the most beautiful toad. Deeming it a totally unacceptable enviroment for toad I quickly searched for a method to transport him to my own safe and cozy backyard. So that we could be in love and be best friends forever. Luckily I had a bag on me(which I made sure was well ventilated for the 10 minute bike ride home) otherwise my other options were a sock/shoe combination or putting him in my pocket. Anyway he was fat and beautiful. Last time I caught a toad in Madison was about six years ago, so I was quite happy to meet him. This isn't a picture of him but it is a tribute to his beauty.

...
I kind of wish I had more to say. But I don't. :]

I'm still trying to help you.

2009-09-07T16:07:00.000-07:00

He was choking himself
slowly
in the cotton noose
of his plaid scarf
He was tightening it
along with all his muscles
and sinews and nerve bundles
all along
all unknowingly

Or maybe it was the pins
with their silly 1inch diameters
dappling his clothing.

He told me, how did it go,
that he was a 'living cataclysm of awful pop-culture'
and awfulness
I laughed it off
tugged at his belt loops
like a fish on a hook.
Because, anyway,
that's what a stranger,
looking in, would say about me.

Passing time like in a
centrifuge
I held in my vomit
fighting him, not fighting him
I held in my words
eclipsing my heart.

I kept my lips shut
or firmly pressed against his
no where in between.
Like a scientist he meticulously
turned foul my words, however sweet,
like an elephant he did not forget.
Like a scientist he overcomplicated
everything.

He was busy quoting Euclid
(geometry is perfect)
all the while I was forgetting to cross my t's
I was ruthlessly ignoring my i's
nothing was complete.

Sitting
with my molecules lined up proper
but expelling saline solution,
frenzied, from my eyes
I tried to tell him about black tea
and meditation
and the ever elusive 'chill pill'
He tightened his laboratory jacket.

I will overanalyze the way your eyes move slower than before

2009-09-07T11:13:00.000-07:00

Well. I'm just going to touch on small snippets of my life because the big pieces are like icebergs: there's so much more beyond what you can see.
Wow, I'm deep.

Lastnight I hung out with both John and Kyle. Kyle and I decided to bike to the lake and watch the little tiny cars driving by along the isthmus and the capital all lit up. It was a gorgeous night for it. And the moon was crazy, it was a caramel color with black clouds streaking across it. As we were getting up to bike back we saw to the North of the capital fireworks going off. Probably over mendota for people to spectate from James Madison park but we could see them over across monona. It was a nice little firework show.

The first week of school was really easy. Probably because it was a short week. And this week will be only 4 days as well. So, that's awesome. I guess it shouldn't be so bad. Arabic will be a lot of work and stress but that is the nature of learning a language. All those years in middle school and freshman year of highschool in French... all that time we were actually learning how to learn a language. And now I have to use it because in college they expect you to figure it out yourself. I'm meeting my friend Mario at the cupcakery in about 75 minutes, to study the new material and review the old material. I am supposed to have the new vocab down pat by tomorrow... that is pretty much impossible.

I really really really really want to go take pictures somewhere. Of something. I dunno where or of what but I've wanted to for like a couple of weeks. If anyone has any ideas hook me up.

And, here's a lame poem that I wrote because I thought to myself "I should write a poem" and then I did. So, if it's bad it must be because I tried.

I tried to write a poem
about those nights we spent contorted
as fossils
our bones scraping together
under a marbled sky

Where I forgot that your hands were
just hands
and where you,
like a calf to his mother,
pressed your lips against me.

We were warm
and flushed
and feverish
and all other manners of blood rising

You, with your egg tooth,
breaking down barriers
puncturing the membranes that we laced,
individually, to keep us alone.
Breaking me down
again, a boy with his legos

There were little things.
That you did unknowingly
hiding your face
you spoke without words.

Seems so out of context, in this body of carbon complex

2009-09-02T20:01:00.001-07:00

Well, I guess that the first day of school wasn't as horrid and painful as I was expecting.

First the bus was really full. Hopefully they'll add a second bus at the sametime like they did last year.
I went to Arabic the following people are there who I like:
reihan
Patrick(gets on my nerves sometimes)
Mario
Hassen(real name steve)
Clayton

The teacher is Mustafa Mustafa. He is an amazing teacher and a subtle but powerful mentor. His presence commands attention: he is a towering man from Sudan. He is tough but fair. The worst and best part is that he is confident in us and when you don't do your homework or clearly don't give your all he is personally disappointed. :[

Then I was 20 minutes late to my botany lecture, but it's okay because it's a lecture of 200. i had to go buy a lab packet and couldn't find the building for that and then also couldn't find the building for my class. O_O
Immediately after 50 minutes of botany lecture I have 2 hours of botany lab. I am not much of a lab girl. I prefer working on my own and I prefer learning by just sitting and taking notes than by experimenting and doing things. But it was fine. My partner was kind of lame so I am glad that we are going to later have assigned seats. I doubt we'll be paired- how unlucky. Although we did fine together I would like, ideally, to make a friend.

Next I went to linguistics lecture, another huge class, about 300 people. That's one reason a lot of people don't want to go to UW: because of the large class sizes in a lot of introductory classes. They're like "I don't want to be another nameless faceless number!" and that makes my ornery mind go "well then don't be biiiatch!".
I'm actually excited about the material we are going to be covering in that class, we began a bit today, and though my hand is tired already from notetaking, I think that the concepts we will be covering are interesting and something I may want to pursue.

Tomorrow I only have one class and then I guess I want to go to Animart with John maybe and possibly the DMV. Then work then blah. Ok, I can't type anymore. I just typed the last two paragraphs with both hands like a real typer-girl. God, that was hard. My right hand is pissed.

p.s. I will give presents to anyone out there who can find the The Mountain Goats reference in here and who can identify where I got the title to the post from.

Summer was painted on our skin

2009-09-01T19:28:00.000-07:00

School starts tomorrow morning. I officially get up at 6 am everyday from here on out.
I guess I will tell you more about this once it happens.

I love Woodrow. I love summer.

... it's a strange world, where girls can get so broken-hearted.

2009-08-30T19:25:00.000-07:00

So, I guess one could say that I didn't have a very good day.

I got up and drank some coffee and immediately set out to make my awesome fp vod. So, I figured out in-game video recording with xfire. But none of the games I got were particularly interesting. And I felt lonely, cold, bored. As the day progressed I felt more and more like I just wanted to go out and tackle the world, with my few days remaining before starting school. If you've ever met me you know how much I've been complaining about going to school this semester.
I feel like I've changed so much since... well, the rest of my life. I've come so far from the quiet girl I once was. I used to think getting good grades was so important. But after I met and got to know John my perspective on that was turned upside down. But, that's something else altogether I think. I'm not sure. I'm starting to wonder if I'm better than all of this. These pretentious university people and their archenemies the fraternity/sorority people. It's really quite stupid. College, that is. Maybe just for me. I mean, if I actually want to do translation(and I have no idea what I want to do with my life) wouldn't it just be more utile(excuse my French. For me the french word "utile" implies more gravity than the english word "useful") to go out into the world? Go to the people that I want to understand. Go to the languages that I want to learn. Maybe find something interesting along the way. After all, in translation it's not a diploma that gets you hired: it's experience.
But, I don't know what I want to do with my life.
I wish I could do art. Or something I call art. I haven't thrown any pottery in ages. In an ideal world I would have a kick wheel in the backyard and a three season porch with an electric wheel. And writing. I'm no good but I like it. And photography, the only thing of any worth in my life is myself, and so I take far too many pictures of myself(not saying that's art, I just think I'm beautiful.) I wish I could make chalk pictures on paper and sculpt and make elaborate paper snowflakes and carved pumpkins and flower bouquets and decorate cakes and record the bats with their clicking. And pet bumblebees and play with dominoes. I wish I had longer fingers and a better singing voice and softer skin. I wish I had gray eyes. I wish humans weren't so judgmental.

So. I got bored. And I went to John's house and woke him up. But he was in a slump. And so I wasn't able to go tackle the world(I didn't feel well prepared to do it on my own) and so I was very sad and disappointed. We were both briefly cheered up, but that was short lived. And here I am, again, sitting here updating my blog.
And, so, I am somewhat depressed. I will go to bed early, unable to stop the passage of time, despite my greatest efforts.
When I am sad but not frantic(this blog is yet to know how frantic I can be) I think about very weird things. Like I consider taking up cutting myself, as a hobby(of sorts), or I contemplate suicide, because, after all, I'm not frantic so it can't be that bad of an idea. I am in a sane state of mind, so to speak, and so maybe it's not such a bad idea. When I'm frantic, on the other hand, I can't do anything at all. I can't think or reason or really function in any sense of the word, so when I'm frantic and I think about suicide it's a whole different beast.
I decided last week that I kind of want to be reincarnated. I've never had anything to say about post-death before except that I'll want to be buried in one of those new-fangled hippie graveyards where they just put you straight into the ground. No chemicals, no big pointless cement box. And I still want that. I've taken a lot from the earth the least I can do is decompose and give it some nitrogen and other delicious nutrients. But maybe it would be nice to be reincarnated. I thought of this when I was reading about the life cycle of bumblebees(which you know I love.) And, to think, I already have experience pollinating.

What else.
Do I have to say.
About my life and the planet Earth, in general.

Things I didn't do enough/see enough/experience enough this summer; regrets(an abridged list):
- biking for fun
- sitting in the grass
- getting rained on
- watching the bats
- dancing with my shadow in the streetlights
- looking at the lake
- meeting hipster-type girls in coffee shops
- stopping time
- stopping my beating heart
- holding my breath
- searching
- thinking about the universe
- eating cupcakes
- drawing pictures
- healing
- feeling tall
- feeling strong
- drinking lemonade
- dressing up
...

I guess that's all. But, remember folks, this is an abridged list.

I used to spend upwards of 10 hours a week contemplating life with wings. I need to get back to that.

So, anyway. That's my life in a nutshell. On an unrelated note I feel compelled to post pictures on this to make it truly mine. It's hard to connect with these scribbles we call letters. Here is an andywarhol-style picture of me. Special thanks to Adore brand hair dye, picasa3 and paint.

I'm a peaceful man and it's January.

2009-08-29T12:40:00.000-07:00

Okay.
Well.

I got up this morning and ate delicious Korean food with my brother. I had bibimbop(I believe was the name) and it was amazing. And I was successful with chopsticks!! And then I came home and watched My Best Friend's Wedding all wrapped up in a fleece blanket. It's cold and gray today.
That movie has never made me feel so sad. Ever. In fact I don't usually find it a sad movie at all. But with lines like

"And he said, 'the thing that makes me want to cry is that I'm losing the best friend I've ever had.' And at that moment, I knew, I felt the same way."

"Kimmy says: when you love you say it. You say it, right then, out loud. Or the moment will just... pass you by."

"Sometimes people think they know how they feel about one another... but they don't. Until... until they do."
Oh, Julia Roberts, not only are you foxy but your performance pulled at my heart strings(and resonated with my situation) in a way that it never has before.

On an unrelated note, after the movie I was looking in the mirror and saw some crust on my earring(the one that was quite literally stuck in my ear... if you don't know what I'm talking about you are a stranger who is reading the blog of a strange girl). So, I wiggled the earring about a little bit and was cleaning the goop it was expelling when all of a sudden, out of the blue, the earring came out. Yayy! I would just like to give a shout out to my body, which is smart and amazing and lovely and in it's own wisdom decided to reject the earring. Thank you lord and savoir jesus christ. Anyways. I cleaned it thoroughly with my leftover soap from my other piercings and was able to put the 6g crescent-style earring in there. Yayyyyy. Now I just need to(properly) gauge the left one from 8g to 6g and they'll be even. :]

Now I'm just sitting around waiting for work at 5. And then after that babysitting.

I reallyyyy want to record a sweet fp vod of starcraft!!! But I've tried the following programs for in-game video recording: fraps, guncam, gamecam, xfire. Gamecame never worked. Guncam broke after recording a couple games(it wouldn't even run the program), fraps and xfire both recorded the first like 45 seconds successfully and then just stopped recording for no reason. :[ So if you know of any other programs help a sister out, okay? I would make such a cute commentator. :[ I wanna!

So, it's Saturday.
Sunday: work? When, I don't remember.
Monday: get textbooks / school supplies? Work?
Tuesday: cry because school starts on Wednesday. Work
Wednesday: school. :[[

Okay, well, this is for you. If you're gonna say I never write sweetly about you.

Monona Means Beautiful
From the end of the pier
I flew
into that expanse of water
which was more like blood
in that it feels alive.

I was a giant
among those micro organisms
and my heart was bursting from it's prison
into your hands.
Stout hands.

And with your glasses off
and your hair wet
I told you, again, how you look ethnic.

Oh, and here's a picture I took of the back of myself the other day. Because I was feeling beautiful. I hope you will agree.

I said, "you look like poetry, baby"

2009-08-24T08:24:00.000-07:00

Well, I was going to go get textbooks and school supplies today but lastnight before bed I made plans with Alex Nelson to go eat the literal best cheeseburger in Madison. So, I am pretty pumped about that. Eating one of these cheeseburgers is like a sexual experience, seriously, they are that good. So, I'll probably get my textbooks tomorrow.
I know how quickly this last week before school is going to go. I had so much I wanted to do!

I want to redo my orange hair but I'm really not looking forward to wearing a wig at work every day(even though I bought a cute one from hong kong.) I want to get a new job. A waitressing one preferably, or bartending. Because I would make hella tips.

I am really happy and really perplexed about my writing poetry again. I think it was because I spent so much time editing for john, maybe? Maybe? I dunno. I still feel like it's not my style(though, styles change, and having not written in a year I guess that could happen). It feels like a borrowed style. So, it's nice to be writing again, but it's also confusing, because I have to be honest and then I read too much into my own words. I dunno. I'm also not convinced that I'm any good. I think it's this style that I'm not used to. My old poetry was much more explosive and dense and erratic and and andd frantic. Urgent. This recent stuff not so much.
After all that talking about poetry I suppose I should post some, eh?

We were piled up
haphazardly
like strawberries on pound cake
in the summer
at dusk

He was melting
and, not unlike the skin of a lemon,
pockmarked.
Imperfect.
Touching the small of my back,
kissing me on the lips
I thought about his scars, maybe,
founded in negligence.

Anyway,
I was a ball of twine
waiting to be unraveled.

Did he hold your hand the way that you prefer?

2009-08-23T12:23:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure that this is any good.

I am standing in the mausoleum
that is my shower
in fascination
Oh, water, you congregate
like strips of paper maché
over the peaks of my body
the valleys

Measuring my shoulders to my hips
a surveyor of lands
I find myself
beautiful

Afterwards
I watch you, through my hair,
frozen like stalactites
arctic eyes.

Yours are like sugar
caramelizing
My basal body temperature rises.

We were so optimistic, it was so easy to be, we were young and naive.

2009-08-23T00:16:00.000-07:00

Hi.
I've spent the last half hour scouring my music collection for lyrics for my facebook status. Ones that would accurately reflect my complex emotion.

Tomorrow is Sunday and I have the day off and no plans. Potentially I'll call Hope? Gwen's hats are at my house.
Oh! Yeah! I had a party on Friday, it went quite well. I guess I don't really have all that much to say.
I took a really long pleasant relaxing bath today. I was in there for like an hour with my mp3 player on shuffle all and a candle lit. It was very nice. I enjoy when no one's around and I can sing loudly. <33
And then I had a scene/emo/me-being-awesome photo shoot for new facebook picture. Too bad I'll need to do it again when I redye my hair.

That's... all. :] I still have not found the correct lyrics for my mood.

Get into the car and aim it at the sun

2009-08-17T08:44:00.000-07:00

Oh hai there.
So, on Saturday I got called in to work early, so I worked like 6 hours and then I went out for Laotian food at Lao Laan Xang with my parents, Jeep and Jeep's asian girlfriend Grace Wu. And then Kyle and I hopped in the car and drove to Milwaukee to his highschool friend Shea's house. Ben was there too because he and Shea had been at Six Flags that day. I always think that hanging out with Kyle's friends is gonna be weird but it pretty much never is. I, like, fit in surprisingly well. So, we went to this dive gyros place and then sat around Shea's house shooting nerf guns and playing old sega games on his xbox. His room was like an ice box, I can't believe he keeps his ac that high, but according to Kyle Shea is the sweatiest guy this side of the mason-dixon. Shea gave up his bed for us, that was unbelievably nice, he slept in a sleeping bag.
Kyle and I were supposed to get up at like 8:00 to go to catholic church with his grandma and approximately 2,000 of his relatives, but we slept in until 8:45 and got to the church for like the last ten minutes. We didn't sneak in unnoticed, his family was rubbernecking like "Look, there's that rascal Kyle, who's that orange-haired girl." It was a remembrance ceremony for his grandpa who died like 2 years ago, doesn't really make sense to me. Then we all(Kyle, his entire family, and I) wafted around the church parking lot, everyone seemed very interested to talk to him, I can understand why. Then we made a brief stop at the mausoleum and the smallest of the cousins were decorating the sidewalk with chalk; I took it upon myself to show them up. Then the party of 24 went to breakfast at what was pretty much an abnormally large Perkins. Kyle's brother is a cool guy. His family seems nice. I got out without being too interrogated.
Then we drove back to Madison all tired from going to bed late/ getting up early.

This week goes something like this:
monday,tuesday,wednesday: find a time to hang out with Luke, John
thursday: hopefully hang out with Kyle before he leaves
friday: awesome ice cream party; Kyle leaves for Blizzcon, gone for a week
saturday: my parents are camping? I think?

Kyle, Ben and Brandon need to scramble to find an apartment before Friday because when they get back from cali it'll be the 28th and lease is up on the 31st. eeek!

Well, that's all.

You were right about the stars, each one is a setting sun.

2009-08-14T09:31:00.000-07:00

So, well, hi there.
It's Friday August 14th 2009 and this is a horror story(actually, just kidding, The Mountain Goats reference).
So, today I have the house pretty much all to myself 11:45-5:30 and I'm guess I'm just going to lounge around and take time for myself. Kyle is working all day. John had Erykka spend the night lastnight I am pretty sure because he at no point during the night called or texted me: a rare occurrence. Which almost assuredly means mixies.

I am feeling kind of blah. Hopefully I will be able to pull myself out of the slump via sun bathing, loud music and potentially eating ice cream for lunch.

I really really really don't want to do college this semester. I know, it sounds lame, but I honestly have no motivation. I don't know where it all went. Early-life crisis?
I dunno, blog, I don't yet trust you. Maybe I'll have more emotionally accessible blog post once you've earned my trust.

I actually wrote a poem today

2009-08-09T20:46:00.000-07:00

It sounds more like the stuff John usually writes than like what I used to write. But whatever.

In a dusty apartment

in the heat of a rainstorm

he and I sit like matching ends of magnets

pushing

folding and unfolding my hands like grapevines

in my lap

I hear his heart beating

loud as a rising helicopter

the wind in the blades flattering the tune

which is, as far as I can tell,

that of a broken heart.

We are only half of us in love.

Yup. Uhm. I may try writing an actual blog post sometime. But for now, nah.